Sunday, May 15, 2011

I like myself, I'm worth a lot.

At some point over the weekend I experienced a quiet, personal manifestation of positive emotion that I’ve slowly been accumulating for the past couple of months. I had unconsciously been storing these hits of good mojo deep in the recycling bin of my mind thinking they were merely just fleeting teases at self-contentment. Like a pop-up telling me I’ve won a free ipod nano- sounds cool, but you ain’t foolin me, buddy! But over the past couple of days I apparently threw my inhibitions to the wayside and decided to take the good feeling for what it’s worth.

Probably since middle school I was in such a dark place (in my own personal sense- not to sound whiny or emo). Something seemed to always be going wrong; constantly fighting with my parents, slipping up in school, fucking up cars, ruining friendships, struggling with money- misery loves company and that bitch was hittin me up every goddamn day. I was always keeping up some sort of lie with someone at any given time- my parents, my friends, my lien-holders, even myself. My closet was bursting at the hinges with skeletons. Even if nothing I went through was necessarily the worst thing that could happen to a person, your personal battles can really take an emotional toll on you no matter how small they are to scale- especially when new ones start before any of the old ones end. It gets exhausting. Even as recently as last year I was still questioning the quality of my life and character. I felt like no one trusted me to make responsible decisions. I probably doubted me the most.

But after a few recent turns of events, and a gradual, sub-conscious change of heart, I feel like I’m on a good path for myself. I’m building a reasonably pleasant relationship with my parents, I feel like a good role model to my siblings, and after three years at my company I finally have a job that I genuinely enjoy that’s giving me legitimate experience that could possibly help me do great things. I’ve reached the point that I know I’ve chosen wisely those I call my friends, and I can easily determine who I want in my life forever and whom I can live without. My car’s still messed up but my record’s clean, my pockets are never empty, and I have never breathed easier now that I have no lies to maintain and no skeletons in my closet. The only thing I’ve been uneasy about is that fact that I have nothing to be uneasy about, and even my skepticism is at an all-time-low. I’m confident in my decisions and I think I can safely say I’m becoming a mature, responsible person. It’s like I’ve gotten to know myself better than ever before and I’m actually content with who I am and how I live my life. Maybe that’s what happens when we finally put a halt to our teenage battles- we’re able to begin putting our lives together instead of walking ahead while everything is falling apart behind us.

Don’t get me wrong- I can still get crazy and make some questionable choices. There is always room for improvement and definitely some missing puzzle pieces, and I've got a few priorities I need to take off the backburner. But I’ve realized that you don’t expect anyone to laugh at a joke unless you find it funny too. You can’t make someone smile if you’re not smiling with them. And no one is going to be satisfied with you until you’re satisfied with yourself.