Friday, October 22, 2010


There’s an epidemic that’s been sweeping the nation as of late. The misuse of words- titles, terminologies, expressions of social/mental/emotional status. Throughout the years large portions of English vocabulary have been abused, misused, and completely misconstrued in meaning. Today I will be showcasing one of the largest growing subcultures of vocabulary violators: the artist.

Everyone’s a fuckin artist these days- everyone. A man develops a single thought of slight substance and suddenly they’re the next Neruda. Congratulations! You’ve written a “poem” which you’ve so cleverly titled title ‘Autumn’ comparing the “love” of you and your current fuck buddy to that of the changing color of the falling “leafs” (which, by the way, would be “leaves”); YOU are poet! NOT.

And you, the self-proclaimed photographer: You have a nice, expensive camera and a lot of friends who look really good on film. Give me a couple paydays and some time at my nearest gentleman’s club and I’ll be a “photographer” with you! We can take well-focused pictures of pretty girls and grayscale them! Someone call the Smithsonian- how we do not already have a wing dedicated to our work is beyond me.

The world is a runway, but we are definitely NOT all models. Seriously. Please. It’s perfectly fine to be a metaphorical audience member in the fashion show of life. Your contortionist-like poses and hard stares are impressive (I’m lying) but that facebook album of black and white photos of you (taken by your photographer friend mentioned prior) does not qualify as your portfolio. And shopping at forever 21 and H&M do not make you some sort of fashion icon. You don’t know the difference between Burberry Prorsum and blueberry pie. And no, Donatella Versace is not one of the Ninja Turtles. Your plaid shirts, skinny jeans, ruffles, and oodles of chunky jewelry do not impress.

Don’t get me started on all the writers of the world. These have to be the most blatantly delusional breed of artist out there. I’m glad you’ve developed a skill for packaging as many large words into one technically coherent sentence as humanely possible, but you should honestly be banned from writing altogether. Maybe you should learn the difference between your and you're before you start on your next novel. HOW. NOW. BROWN. COW? Tell brown cow to take THEIR brown ass over THERE and figure out why THEY'RE so bad at writing. If only there was some sort of auditioning process for signing up for a blog. The internet’s level of bullshit would decrease by at least forty percent; if you could be banned from the usage of pens that would be nice too. Ideally you would all be forced to sign for the rest of your lives, but I’m sure you’d even find a way to make that annoying.

And to all those of you who claim “music is your life”- unless you pay your rent through means of music- music is not your life. It is your hobby. We all love Kings of Leon too, but none of those kings have signed your latest paycheck.

To all the many breeds of aspiring artists out there: we love you. There should be a flashy, tacky, try-hard monument erected in your names. But until then, please give something else a go; maybe something more technical, like law. Or something more physical, like an athlete.. or crabber. These are all noble paths. I mean, if everyone and their mama was a damn artist, then who the hell be there to marvel at their magnificent art?

I’m not here to judge, or take anything away from anyone. I encourage everyone to keep following their dreams up until the point that you realize you’ve been dreaming too damn long and finally accept the fact that you’re no good at this. Keep doing you. Just keep in mind that the current “you” isn’t really working out…

And that adjourns today’s lesson. Next blog will visit the world of the next vocabulary violator: the ~rebel~. Fill up your flasks- it’s gonna be BaDa$$!!!

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